Useless Crap for Adults

I don’t really drink, and I have no reason to lie to you because not only do I not know you, but I am 21. So, if I wanted to drink it would be perfectly fine. I just don’t. I imagine drinking acid feels similarly to the way drinking alcohol feels for me. (And as a side note: my parents might actually be the most disappointed of everyone I know about this because they’ve been waiting for a Napa family vacation for years….I offered to come and be the driver.)

Anyhow, I bring this up because I recently turned 21. When I turned 18 I had joked about going out to buy cigarettes and porn, but that dream never came to fruition. I figured now that I’m 21 I should buy some alcohol though. So, obviously, I went out and bought the prettiest bottle I saw and am now using it to decorate my room. I have the clear skull (Crystal Head Vodka if you too would like to decorate your room…or drink it) sitting on a shelf in my room. I bought it about a month ago and although its still sealed, I want more. I think it looks quite lovely in my room.

I may go out and buy the colored ones too. I’ll just tell myself (like my parents foolishly like to tell themselves) that my tastes will mature and I’ll appreciate alcohol one day. And by then maybe the drink will be better aged. You do age vodka right?

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A Follow Up On Something Super Important

….So, I finally made those cupcakes I found like a month or so ago.

My cell phone has a terrible camera (and I in fact have an excellent one, but oops), but this is what they looked like. The ex roommate and I made them this afternoon because one of my classes was cancelled – it was a good choice; these are definitely not useless, even though neither of us have any interest in eating them because despite the fact that they’re technically vegan, they’re filled with a boat load of blue dye and other gross crap.

(Also, let me just say this because I know someone, namely the ex roommate, will comment on it: Yes, I did insert a link to my own blog. I’m awesome like that. And, I am fully aware of how terrible this post was grammatically. And, that this wasn’t funny at all. Sorry. Fin.)

Posted in Completely Useless | 1 Comment

Amazonian Gifts

I’m pretty much the worst at giving gifts. Unless someone tells me specifically what they want, they will get a gag gift from me. And, the specifically what they want also tend to be more of a joke. Last, year my friend picked up a random teen novel at Barnes and Noble and made a joke about wanting to read it – I gave it to her for her birthday. More specifically, I ordered it from Amazon.com, as I usually go.

So, my point, Amazon.com has a recommendation page. Instead of finding something random, I’ve decided to see what they recommend for my complex and classy taste.

I dont know what any of this crap is or why they’ve picked it out for me. I think the gum is because earlier this semester I was four dollars from free shipping so I bought a pack of gum, everything else I have no idea. I don’t know what this $37 cup is, and more randomly what the hell is this Ecstasy in Darkness book? I cant tell if its a romance or sci fi novel, and I’ve never read a book in either category.

However, maybe Amazon is smarter than I am and can see the future for my evolving taste.

In conclusion, I’m a pretty random person, but I don’t even know what I’d do with this stuff.

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It’s a Mini Bar. It’s a Desk……It’s a Safety Hazard!

There is really nothing i can say that will be any funnier than what has been said about this gem.

First off, this is the picture you see on Amazon.

Then, this is one of the many user uploaded photos. Clearly, this is a HUGE safety risk. I will admit, that it could be fairly useful, but it may also kill you.

Here are a few of my favorite reviews:

“Wow is this thing great! I use it as a “mini-bar” when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next. We also discovered that if you place a pillow on top of it and turn on the cruise control you can catch quick naps on the interstate. If you swerve to the left or right the rumble strips on the road wake you up in plenty of time before you get into trouble. I can now take longer trips without being tired!

Also, i am now dating a midget and she fits nicely on the steering wheel desk which allows us to experiment sexually while driving. This thing is like WD-40 or duct tape, it is a million and one uses!” – TM

” I loved my Laptop Steering Wheel Desk so much I got one for my 90yr old mother. She is an avid crossword puzzle fan and now she can work on them while she is driving back and forth from bingo at the senior center. One cautionary note be careful of those jerks that stop at yellow lights, my poor mother rear ended one and the airbag drove the desk back into her stomach which ruptured her spleen, well after a short down time I’m glad to say she is back on the road and cranking out those NY Times crosswords once again. Thanks Laptop Steering Wheel Desk you have made my mothers life more complete.” – S. Kelly

I know this one is long, but its worth it….

“Well at first I think my boyfriend hated the thing, but now he has grown so fond of this that we decided to keep giving it to all of our friends! When I get out of here I plan on telling my boyfriend how much this has brought our relationship together, I can’t wait to see him!

Pros –
1. Boyfriend says “It’s the perfect product” – My boyfriend is such a cheap ass he loves giving this as a gift. I think he’s trying to hint that he wants this as part of our wedding (in the future, hah!). He wants to hand them out at Christmas too, our friends already all have one, as I told him, but he keeps buying them for every Christmas anyways “oh honey we didn’t give it to so-and-so”. Whatever sweetie!

2. Increase in productivity – I was running late to work for the 100th time in a row because my boyfriend wouldn’t get in the shower when I asked him so I killed him with a shovel and a plastic spoon. Then after putting him in the trunk, I thought I would need to go back inside the house and get on my laptop to find a good quarry to bury…I mean to ride down to, but it turned out I could just find a good quarry while driving, using my 3G cellphone as a portable internet device for my laptop. Thanks laptop desk for helping me out of countless sticky situations!

3. Portability – I was worried at first when I got a bit of my boyfriends’ blood on the desk, but as it turns out I just cleaned all of the weapons right there in the car (while on my way to the quarry, I mean), and then after I finished taking a tour of the quarry, I just left the car there and took the desk with me. Perfect for leaving no evid…portability, I mean!

Cons –
1. The color – Although it has been a few weeks, the desk itself is still stained red. I wish I could get out the bloo–I mean coloring out. Maybe if the desk was already red, it wouldn’t be such a problem. Has led to some interesting conversations.

2. Should come with plastic gloves – I think in order for more people to get in on this really great deal, it should come with plastic gloves. That way, if you feel like offing someone, you will be able to touch the desk and leave very little trace evidence on it while handling the desk/laptop.” – Jillian Kimberlin

For more brilliance click here.

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In the Sequel, I Will Take Facebook Down With My Lawsuit

Dear pretty much everyone,

I’m not seeing the Facebook movie, even if it is a David Fincher movie.

Why, you ask.

Because Facebook blows. I understand why people have pages, but its basically stalking and maintaining friendships not really worth maintaining made easy. If you didn’t have a Facebook page, how many of your friend’s birthdays would you remember? Also, how many less people would you be mad at for going out and not inviting you? You’d probably have a lot less friends without one, but they’d be better friends. And, you’d probably be a way more productive person in general.

Over the summer I deleted mine, but then my cousin opened firefox to log onto her Facebook and because it remembered my password I was logged in and my page was undeleted. Hence, Facebook sucks more because you cant really delete anything.

I dont like it, and I know everyone else does.

So, enjoy the movie, I will be sulking at home routing for the bad guys to win the lawsuit.

Sincerely,

Annie

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Waterproof Cameras

I decided I needed this after reading this blog post (on Pacing the Panic Room) about an underwater camera. The film just look so cool. My facebook profile would be so much more original and I could finally take down my myspace style self shot.

Pros:

-It takes pictures UNDER WATER!

-I’m from Southern California where swimming is a pretty normal sport/recreation activity year round. Therefore, this is way more necessary when you think about it.

-After having purchased a D90, this price seems excellent for a camera.

Flaws with my plans to pressure my parents into buying this:

-When you really think about it, I spend 9 of my 12 months in Ann Arbor where its still way too cold to swim most of the time, and by the time I graduate something much better will be out.

-After having spent my entire childhood and the majority of my adolescence on a swim team, I actually really don’t like to swim anymore, except of course in theory with this camera.

-By the looks of it, its designed for much younger kids with much more free time, and will be obsolete very soon.

I’m thinking this might actually make it on my holidays gift request list.

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Vuvuzelas

So, at least everyone I’ve consulted about this thinks that Vuvuzelas are awesome. I personally find them annoying as hell, and made this the 5th World Cup in a row that I didn’t watch more than thirty minutes of (Surprise! I’m a terrible person with no spirit).

Recently, my ex roommate and her two new (and lets be honest – improved) roommates invested in these. I officially wont be sitting next to them at any upcoming football games (mainly because I don’t go to those either, told you I suck).

And now for my random comments, why the hell is someone from Baltimore selling this? Transfer? Also, my roommate paid thirty something for this and here its on sale for nine, haha (you deserve it for all the mean comments you keep leaving on this).

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