Life as a six year old

I’ve been obsessed with chalkboard paint for about a year now. You paint it on your wall and it dries and then viola! you have a chalkboard.

Down side is – you paint it on your wall. And because I would like my security deposit back on my apartment one day, thats a no no. Good news, though, I found a stick on version and I suppose this will do.

I’m really considering wallpapering my room in these decals.

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Genius

So the other day, the ex-roommate sent me this link. In general, most of it is awesome, but what really takes the cake is this:

Not only is this necessary, but I feel that my health insurance should pay for it. (I’ll let you know how that endeavor goes.)

Genius. Enough said.

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Morphine Lips

Its the opportunity to have that feeling you get at the dentist when they numb you up at home…only free for the same price as your copay!

I tried this product a few days ago when my friend whipped it out at dinner. I was late so everyone else at the table was like “yeah, you should totally try this.” It was really really really weird. Seriously, your lips tingle then go numb. It lasts for like ten-ish minutes. At first I was like, “holy shit get it off” and now two days later I’m rethinking it. First off, I want a tube to carry with me so if someone asks to borrow chapstick, which is one of those things I waver between thinking its okay to share or not, I can hand it over without mentioning the side effect. God, I’m an asshole. I should consider renaming this blog “Necessary Crap for Douche Bags.” And, second of all, there really is no second of all. I cant really list anymore pros or features or whatever.

Although, I feel like maybe this could be useful if you had a split lip or something, but thats really the only rational I can think of. Still, in retrospect it was kind of cool.

Anyhow, if you want some $20 chapstick that will make you lose all feeling in your lips, you can check it out at morphinelips.com.

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Crocs

So, these actually arent useless. In fact, they’re great for people who are on their feet all day, children, people who garden, and anyone who needs shoes and likes them. Rumor has it they’re also technically edible (like in a worst case scenario type of way, not like a midday snack type of way). That alone should make them medically necessary.

Now, I’m currently obsessed with Crocs because I just got a pair. Its not that they’re that awesome as far as shoes go. I love them because I get to tell my friends I just got a pair of Crocs and they think:

But in reality, I got these:

So they all stumble over themselves trying to phrase “if you wear these out to dinner with me I’m leaving” in a nice way and I just let them think I’ve completely lost my personal style until they see that they’re really just sandals. It’s good fun.

Now, if anyone has tried them (and by that I mean tried to eat them) feel free (or mandated) to share a comment.

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Useless Crap You Don’t Need

But yet you most likely have it.

In honor of a certain comment left by Annie-fan Rachael, I will do a post on tanning. Namely, here’s why I don’t do it:

1. It’s stupid. I’m not saying being tan is stupid, but I think tanning is. This isnt some elitist bullshit I’m spewing. If you work outside, play sports, or are genetically blessed to already be tan then thats excellent for you. However, putting on a bikini and laying in the sun is not only a waste of time, but it will bite you in the ass thirty years from now. Bi-yearly vacations and the occasional day by the water don’t really count. I’m talking about GTL. Laying out to get tan multiple times a week just isn’t something I’m into. (I will end this with an apology to my fellow Southern Californians. I truly do not belong.)

2. I’ve worked long and hard on this pallor. Growing up in Southern California and having your face be the same color as your college rule notebook paper is actually rather difficult. I don’t know how I’ve managed to do it as a non-ginger, but at this point I’m just impressed.

3. Its kind of fun when people are often concerned about my health. I also have this weird thing where my fingernails turn purple and blue so I kind of get a sick pleasure from watching people try to confront me about my hidden health problems. “Are you hiding the fact that you have cancer?” “No.” “You know thats indicative of a heart problem, right?” “Eh, I feel fine.” Those conversations have actually happened.

4. Tanning is like my generations smoking (even though way too many of us still do that). It sounded like a good idea at first, then research came out that it was bad for us, yet we cant stop. I like to think that I’ve learned from my ancestor’s mistakes.

5. I don’t like the heat. I actually narrowed down my college list by factoring the weather in. I toured University of Miami in April and it was around 100 degrees. I crossed it off my list. Then I went to UMich in April. It was snowing, and now three years later I lead a happy life in the midwest.

6. Just google tanning. I promise skin damage will come up. But anyhow, to all you who hate me for writing this come visit me in forty years and we’ll compare skin elasticity.  (However, lets not compare now because I look like Casper and you look most likely look like a normal healthy person. I will admit there is a middle ground I should find, but I’m going to wait till at least a few more of my doctors recommend a blood test.)

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Superior Pets

I think bald cats are adorable. I’m going to need one to be friends with my future tea cup piglet. These are amazing pets because they don’t shed, they could probably scare off a burglar better than a dog, and everyone has a regular cat and/or dog.

Also, notice I have filed this under the elusive ‘Necessary’ category.

Fin.

P.S. Word to the wise: DO NOT google image “bald animals.” Its upsetting.

P.P.S. I entitled this post “Superior Pets” not just because I think bald animals are adorable, but also to piss off all you lovers of normal animals. I personally find that funny, sorry that you most likely do not.

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Pets for the Lazy

I’ve wanted an animal ever since I realized that humans could tame them and keep them as pets (think first grade era – My parents were shockingly good at keeping things off my radar). I’ve been begging for one for like twelve years, but now that I actually do have my own place, I do not have live in parents to clean up and walk the animal. It’s a sad life I lead without man’s best friend. Also, its a $250 fine per day if I have an animal in my apartment building and although I am stealthy, I do not have the paycheck to both risk a secret animal and continue to buy useless crap. So, the tea cup piglet and bald cat (don’t worry there will be a future post) will have to wait until I’m out of school.

Instead, I’ve been looking into ecospheres. I think they are soooooooooooo cool. They’re pretty, they’re alive, they’re self-sustaining, but thats about it. They literally do nothing. They don’t give me more oxygen and they wont play with me. I suppose I could take it for a walk, but I’d look crazy. Also, they are awkwardly expensive for glass spheres filled with crap I should be able to find in my own backyard (only I actually cant because here in suburbia we coat everything in cement).

I’ve been sitting with the page to buy them open on my laptop for like months now. (Does anyone else actually never turn their computer off?) Here’s my problem. The ones that come with frogs, you have to change the water twice a year – thats far too much of a commitment for me. And all the other ones require indirect sunlight. Thats actually it, just put it somewhere with a window and it will self sustain. However, because I’m in college, the singular window in my room faces the kitchen. That’s right. I cant even provide a living organism with sunlight. I truly suck at caring for living things.

If you have even a slightly greener thumb than I have and are interested in severely low maintenance pets/decorations here are a few to check out (don’t say I didn’t warn you about the prices):

Tiny Ecosphere 

Large Ecosphere

Ecosphere with Animals

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